[edit] everyday, so many moments in one day. the same few thoughts just keep circling and swirling in my mind. the fleeting moments perhaps is what makes it so hard. the lack of a product, the intangible-ness of it all. how do you box something up you can't even grasp. its like grabbing at air. that seems all i'm doing nowadays. the emptiness of it all.

i think of happily ever afters, or rather of the possible lack of it. the need to hold on to someone. i think of hellos and goodbyes, of silences, of conversations, of darkness. i wish for so much. but i wonder how much there'll be. just cos i constantly fight and hope, doesn't mean i don't worry. i find such irony in that i require angie for some sunshine so often, to keep me moving on, and yet...

oh what a fool i am. [/edit]

i feel like i'm on this rollercoaster ride. its been up and down the past week. so many happy happy times. and yet so many times where i feel everything just plummets so low.

i'm not good with telling ppl at the point in time exactly how i feel. its just an inability to show my weaknesses. which is why i appreciate my loves here, who will know something is up at 'hello'. being home forces me to face ppl. haha. cos in london, if i'm feeling shit.. i can just hide away in my room, never seeing anyone ever, until ashraf or marcus comes banging (which brings me back to some sanity) -.- i learnt long time ago that if you show your weaknesses, like how teasings affected you, then ppl would just jump on it even more. just cos someone replies teasings, taunts, mean words and all that fuck shit with snippy remarks or a laugh, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. and recently, hearing it from my mum, plus everything else has been just getting to me.

two steps forward, three steps backward. i'm going insane.

i'm keeping off alcohol for awhile. it just doesn't feel like i'm drinking for the sake of enjoyment anymore, but rather as an escape. and while i don't drink constantly, i just stopped liking the taste anymore. and my stomach has been violently protesting. and i've been abusing my stomach for quite awhile, so i think i should be kind to it for now. hahaha.

sins sins sins. so much greyness. i feel like this holiday is incredibly messed up. haha. once i get home to london, no more shit.

i just need to get a grip on it all really. but like ___ who i got the 'grip' thing from. its so easily to slip. tmr i start studying properly. i haven't done this kinda mugging in awhile. i hope its going to keep my mind off things. i really need to decide my position on everything. like how i want to approach things. sighs. cos i keep changing my mind, keep bouncing back and forth the many things that keeps bugging me. i don't know. i thought my perspective on everything improved alot when i went to london. but now, faced with everything, i wonder if i ever changed at all. was it cos those people really didn't matter to me in that way (anymore), that it was so easy. hah. all i know now, is that its not easy.

i'm hurting, confused, upset, distressed and aching.

the jump in numbers in my hit counter is very disconcerting. well at least i got an explanation for one, and i can account for maybe 30. but wth. this is getting weird.

the word of the day is displaced. while i'm loving being with my friends again, everyone have their own lives now, and while for that few hours we're in our own bubble, after that time we just return to our own spheres. so now i'm missing my london darlings, feeling so cut off from them.

i think i'm finally ready to get it done. i'm ready. i need it. i will never regret it. life with no regrets right?

putting it down is helping.